With four kids, all of them about five years apart, I've always got a lot of moments going on at once. When my oldest J was graduating from high school, my daughter was just starting junior high, and my littlest was getting his start in preschool. All at once it was a cap and gown and no more diapers. It has made me startlingly aware of how precious all of those little moments are. As each of my children passes a milestone in succession I realize how fleeting those times are and how with each child I am closer to never experiencing them again.
This year has brought a lot of changes to my life. I am in a wonderful new relationship with my high school sweetheart, and I find myself pondering once again a question I had already thought answered. When my divorce was finalized back in 2005, I came to the conclusion that I really was done having babies. I was lucky enough to have four healthy children in my life, and it seemed no great hardship to decide that my days as a new mom were over for good this time. I had been parenting for almost fifteen years then, more than half my life, and it seemed a good time to focus on my kiddos and start thinking about creating a life of my own, for that time, not really so far off, that they would start to go off to live lives of their own choosing. B has changed my perspective a bit.
During our years apart he never married, had no children of his own. (It's almost as though I had enough for both of us some days...) When we first started seeing each other again last summer I stated up front that I had no intention of ever marrying again, and that I was for sure not having any more babies. he nodded affably enough at my pronouncements and said nothing further. I remember thinking,"well, good, at least that won't be an issue."
It didn't take him two months to capture my heart and start me dreaming of the possibility of being his wife someday. We have talked and talked about what being married would mean for us, to us. I have explained my understanding of what a marriage ought to be, and we have agreed. We have agreed that a marriage is not created in a few moments in a church or a courtroom, but in the thousands of little moments spent together beforehand piecing together a life that pleases and nurtures you both. We have also agreed that that courtroom formality is a nice thing to have when you love each other the way we do and when you are trying to raise three children together. So at some point (later this year he says) we will marry. I will after all of these years, finally take as my own the last name that I used to scribble across my notebooks back in eighth grade. It will make me, I believe, the happiest woman I know.
That leaves only the question of children. Day by day he is learning to love my kids, and they are certainly growing ever closer to him. We have talked more than once about the possibility of one more. A child of his own, some little person we have created together. Despite my past reservations I cannot help but grow excited by all of the possibility that idea contains. I don't think I am capable of denying him the opportunity, especially when the moments it calls to mind are all so very precious in my mind.
I know now about the impending end of those baby days; How much it is possible to miss the sweet smells of baby formula and shampoo. I already miss those days when I could watch my older kids play while tiny little Z laid bunched asleep on my chest with his feet tucked under him like a frog. I know how much I miss being able to bury my nose in that sweet and heavenly space at the crown of a babies head. Almost every day I careen past another moment that I know I'm gonna miss. This week it is pinewood derby races and high school dances, but I know from experience that in the blink of an eye it will be graduations and college days and weddings...I have long missed the days I spent pregnant with the three of them, moving through my days with them tumbling about inside me. In a few shorts years there will be so many more moments to miss.
So I suspect that I will take B up on his idea. That we will someday in the not terribly distant future start the trail of moments all over again, just one last time, our first time together. I suspect as well that it will be wonderful all over again, even more so with this man I love so very much, but that it will also be bittersweet this time, knowing for sure that it will be the last time. So many moments that I know I'm gonna miss when they've gone by for good.
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