What if

After writing yesterday about all of the moments I know that I'm gonna miss when they are gone, I gotta major case of the what ifs this morning. I hate the what ifs. There is always some nagging possibility that might have turned out better, or the idea that changing one thing could have changed everything. But anyway, it was a what if kind of morning for me. So here goes:

What if I hadn't missed three birth control pills right after high school graduation? or what if I did, but I didn't get pregnant with my sweet daughter K?

What if I had finished college instead of dropping out to get married and have my little R? Would that degree in English Writing have made any difference? Could I have done both?

What if I hadn't moved back home in 2002 to help take care of my father while he was sick and dying? (I can't imagine any other option here, but sometimes I do wonder if I hadn't what would be different now


What if B hadn't shown up at my father's funeral in 2003? Would I still have had the courage to contact him last summer after twenty years apart? What if I hadn'tfought my own battles with self-destruction, would I have had the courage or knowledge about how to stick it out with him during those rough early months before he stopped drinking(for the most part?)

What if I had been the one caring for our elderly friend Norma the night that she and her caregiver were murdered in cold blood by a druggie trying to find money? That was almost me.

What if I wasn't so anxious about everything all the time, wondering, worrying about what things might go wrong just around the corner?

What if my older two children weren't bipolar? What if most of our evenings were peaceful and quiet and my fears for their future were fewer?

What if I hadn't spent two years not talking to my dearest friend? What sort of things might we have enjoyed during that time or helped each other through, but instead had to struggle through alone?

What if I hadn't gotten pregnant unintentionally when R was only three months old? What if I had given birth to that baby, started a more permanent relationship with the baby's father? Would I still have had my sweet baby Z to cherish and love?

What if my siblings had kept in closer contact while my dad was dying and afterward? Would I feel less alone, less deserted, less disconnected from the father I miss so very much?

So those are most of my bigger what ifs. Not an exhaustive list by any stretch of the imagination. But the important ones. Or maybe not so important after all. Maybe the really important ones are these....


What if I love B with everything that I am and everything that I have to give and it is enough because he loves me back the same way? What if happiness like this really does exist and it can be mine just because?

What if I love my kids every day good behavior and bad and I do my best to help teach them the right way? What if that too is enough and my kids grow up strong and wise and happy?

What if everything that I have done up until now was essential to this moment that I am living in? What if I love this moment so much for everything that it contains, that I couldn't dream of changing a thing?