Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

It's been three months. Three long, crazy months. I miss you like mad but I guess that goes without saying. Everything here has changed so much without you. Not just bad changes either, lots of good things too, but I'd trade it all to have you back. One of the hardest things is not being able to tell you how excited I am about this new stuff. Every time something new happens I catch myself thinking, I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL... and then my heart breaks all over again because I can't. So I'll have to settle for telling you here and hope it helps to ease the ache of not having you with me.

I think you would be proud of me, of all of us really. The kids miss you, but have handled themselves like real champs. Every one's behavior has been tip top since school let out, not perfect, but not all that craziness we had for so long. R got all caught up in school and has been so polite and kind these last weeks. K doesn't argue so much anymore and Z is still, well, Z--smart and scary and awesome.

I'm starting back to school in the fall. It's time to finally get that degree you always wanted me to have. It turns out I only have ten classes to take to finish up, so I'll be a college graduate by next spring. It seems crazy to me that losing you was the only thing that made it possible for me to do the things you dreamed of me doing. I hate that-- that you won't be there to see me finally succeed after screwing up so much, even so it feels good to be going back. Next fall I'll start nursing school and with a little luck in a few years I'll have my RN and my masters. I figure why do it halfway--this is my big chance and I want to do what would have made you proud of me. Don't get me wrong, I know you were proud of me, but I know I gave you a lot of reasons to worry too. I'm glad you knew about B and I before you got sick. I know it meant a lot to you to know we had each other and that the kids and I had someone who would take good care of us. he's one of the best things ever to happen to the bunch of us. he has us acting like a family again. We've been doing a lot of fun stuff with the kids and we'll be spending Labor Day weekend in our favorite spot again this year ( my only regret is that you won't make it there with us.)

B and I have been heading out camping almost every weekend the kids have spent with their Dad. It's been good to have the freedom to travel so much and so cheaply this summer. It makes me feel young again and less like I missed something by starting a family right after high school. You were right about a lot of things, but it all seems to have turned out for the best anyway. I've been scattering your ashes with Dad's, a little bit in every beautiful place we go. We even rented a boat a few weeks ago and the boy's helped scatter some out in the middle of the lake. P will be helping out by taking you to Ireland when they go next week.

I guess the biggest news is about the house. We just can't stay here. It's far too empty without you and every detail of every room is yours. I think you'd like the house we found though. It's in the neighborhood you chose to raise me in. There are memories of you and Dad there, but not such painful ones. It's just big enough, with good sized rooms and lots of light...It will be so hard to leave here in September, but I think it's what will be best for us all. I will carry all the best parts of you with me--in my heart of course. It will be good for B and I to have a fresh start in a house that is ours together with no memories in it of anyone but us.  I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep in my own bed again, because it seems like lately the only time I sleep straight through is if we are bedded down in our little tent in some state park far away from the place where I lost you. When we are at home and everyone finally settles in for the night it seems my thoughts always drift to those last moments with you and with Dad. They haunt me, make my heart ache for all that I have lost in this house. It will be good to move on.

Well, it's late and it's my turn in the shower, but I'm sure I'll write again--there just so much I wish I could tell you....