Some Time to Myself

Thank you to the old man in the hat who spoke to me in Foodland almost twenty years ago. I was the express lane cashier and so frustrated by the customer who could not stop talking as my line wound its way back into frozen foods. When she finally moved on I made some off-hand teenage remark to you and your reply has stayed with me ever since, ”Everyone has a story to tell, and there is something for you to learn from every single one of them...” After you I listened more often and more carefully, and that listening taught me things that have made all the difference.

Thank you to the first client I ever cared for as a home health aide. You passed away on my second day on the job, right there in front of me, but quietly, peacefully. You taught me that death doesn't have to be feared; that it is a moment in life just like all of the other moments and that it is possible to meet it with grace and acceptance. So many times over that lesson has served me.

Thank you to the cashier at Giant Eagle who watched me struggle with my misbehaving children (only two at the time) and told me not to worry, that everyone's kids act up and anyone who tells you differently is a liar. She made me feel like less of a spectacle, more a part of the world called motherhood .

Thank you to the guy at the auto parts store, who in the four years since my divorce, has helped me to install batteries and put on new wiper blades, to change light bulbs and check oil, even though I know much of that is beyond your job description. You helped me save face with my ex-husband, made it possible for me to appear more independent than I felt ready to be. Just so you know that imagined independence finally stuck; last week when it seven degrees outside I changed my own wiper blades right there in the street and it only took a few minutes. I learned from watching you.

Thank you to the nuclear engineer I cared for for almost a year. You were my client, but you also managed to be my friend. We never talked much about my personal life, but all through the time that my marriage was falling apart and my divorce was in process you kept me focused on myself and my children. Without ever giving me overt advice you showed me the right way to make it through the hard times. I would have fallen apart without you. I miss you so now that you are gone. I miss our scrabble games, the nights we used to watch Lost together. At seventy two and thirty we were unlikely friends but I'm so glad we managed anyway.

Thank you to my Senior Writing teacher in college. You were an amazing and well published author, but you were still human enough to be kind to me when I came to your office crying to ask for a late withdrawl from your class. I was struggling with depression,  trying so hard to keep my despair a secret as I tried to get my degree and raise my small daughter. You were wise enough to see through me. You told me you couldn't allow a talented writer to withdraw for no good reason. You told me at life happens but that you make your own destiny too. You gave me an incomplete and told me that you had faith in my ability to solve my problems and return to my writing. You believed in me long before I was able to believe in myself. But the lesson stuck anyway, and when I was ready for it, it served me well. And I will never get over the boost you gave me when you called me a talented writer.

Last but most definitely not least—and maybe this one doesn't count because even though his influence on my life was barely a shadow for so many years, now he is my life, my future, my happiness. I thank you B. For loving me first when we were so young and for doing it so gently and so perfectly that I have never forgotten. Thank you for helping me pass my computer class in college that I would have otherwise failed. Thank you for being nearby the night of my father's funeral if only for a few minutes. Those minutes meant the world to me. You mean the world to me. And thanks for encouraging me a few weeks ago to start a blog, to put myself out there and try something new.

All those people, all those tiny little moments that added up to so much. I am feeling grateful tonight that I had the time to consider them.