I'm not sure what I expected exactly but...

        Four years ago when we were pregnant with the baby we lost I had huge expectations.  I expected to carry that child to term and fall into the familiar, easy rhythm of caring for an infant.  Of course I also expected my mother to live long enough to retire and enjoy lazy days with her grandchildren for at least another decade or so.  At 33 I was still operating under the mistaken assumption that I was choosing my life's trajectory myself. I did not expect Leukemia to creep up on us all and steal away my beautiful sixty-two year old mother's life over the course of three weeks.  I did not expect to lose that baby right before I lost my Mom.  More than anything I did not at all expect the journey that my grieving would take me on over the next few years.

        Needless to say the surprises continued.  Even in the midst of the sadness I felt over losing our baby, i didn't worry...I had gotten pregnant so easily four times already--we were raising three beautiful kids together-- and I expected that I would do so easily again.  I didn't expect it to take three years.  I didn't expect to give up hoping for another child only to be surprised by one after all.  I didn't expect to welcome my last little one into the world in the peace of my own bedroom with a lovely midwife and husband the only people in attendance....but all of those things happened and now I am just sorting out how I feel about it...