It has been so crazy here these last few months; so much chaos and all of the extremes of emotion. Like I mentioned yesterday, my Mom started her chemo last night. My heart is aching and my brain spends the day searching mental statistics and looking for a way out of this current health crisis, though it is obvious to me that there is no way out, only a possible way through it. We will just have to wait and see for now. I do know that my Mom is tough as nails. She worked her full-time night job right up until four days before she was diagnosed. Her platelet count was only 9000 instead of the 150,000-300,000 it should have been but still she went work and struggled through every single night. So now I am trying to concentrate on the idea that it is not the odds that matter so much right now, but the fact that as a family we often find a way to beat the worst odds that will make a difference here.
Still there are good things happening too. On Sunday I can take a pregnancy test to see if my intermittent stomach troubles are from stress or an early sign of the new addition we are hoping for. And even more than that right now, every night I cuddled up in the crook of B's arm with my head against his chest and the steady rhythmic pounding of his heart in my ear and I do my best to dream about babies and summer days at the pool with my family. In that spot, that moment I know that the only thing I can afford to focus on is how very loved I am and at the end of the day that is all that really matters.
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