The Things I've Been Up To Lately

So it has been ages since I've posted anything substantial, and I've mentioned briefly that a lot has been going on here, and it has. Finally this morning a few minutes to myself to fill you in a little bit and vent about how ridiculous some of it has been. I want to tread carefully here though, because I am angry and don't want to say things I might later wish to take back. That said--I've never been good at holding my tongue.

B's Mom started chemo about three weeks ago and since the three of us together are the primary care-takers for his ninety six year old Grandma, (she has Alzheimer's.) that means that responsibilities and scheduling conflicts have been running high for a while now. Add to that the fact that his mother ( in my opinion) never really liked me and that she definitely hates sharing his attention with anyone else and things have been quite the nasty little mess here. We finally set down some guidelines making it so that he and I would stay the overnights with Grandma on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays (because this meshes well with my custody agreement.) and that we would come over every morning and night to help with getting out of and back into bed again. In exchange, we wanted a guarantee that on the other three nights of the week we wouldn't be asked to stay at all so that we can spend the time at home with the kids. His Mom doesn't like this idea-- and thinks we should rotate nights through the week like he did when he was single and that he should still be available for any nights that she doesn't feel like staying or hiring someone else to stay. On top of that, she has been really nasty. Mean. Rude to him in ways that just tie my stomach in knots. During the week of her chemo we spent every night here with Grandma and did all of the morning and evening routines AND ran over here more than once to do things she said she was too sick to do herself. We have tried to explain that he needs someone to help divide the responsibilities for while she is sick, maybe have friends help her out around the house when she doesn't feel well, but she insists that he should want to do it for her and that it has to be him. I 'm angry because he just can't be everything for everyone all the time and has finally made some choices about what HE wants to do with his life. ( we got married--yay!!!!!) For selfish reasons I want him at home sometimes. For unselfish reasons I want him to have time to relax and enjoy the kids and get used to being a part of a family. So I'm angry. Well, angry doesn't really cover it-- I'm pissed off, but I'm also in love with him and not wanting to make things harder by driving up the conflict with his mom. So except for right here-- I'm trying to keep my mouth shut. wish me luck.

In the middle of all of that disaster, my little one Z had a febrile seizure last week while he was at his Dad's house. It's the third one he's had, so we did know what it was, which made it a little less scary, but only a little, and his Dad had never seen one before so he panicked and we got to enjoy and ambulance trip to the ER as a result. All is well with Z now though, stomach bug gone, fever no more, business as usual.

Did I mention the best part? WE GOT MARRIED ON MONDAY!!!We took a break from the merry go round Monday and went to the district justice just the two of us and finally, after all these years, got married. I couldn't be any happier about it. Every time I hold his hand now I think of those few quick moments in front of the judge when we held each other's hands and promised each other that we would love each other for always. A great day in the middle of a bunch of borderline and not so great days.

Lastly, we got the stomach flu. It started with Grandma, got B and I, little Z and then back to B again for a second round. It has been hell and I will be glad when it is finally over. I am warily watching K and R to see who will get it next....stay tuned....

Good News!

We Got Married This Morning! What an awesome day!

Dear B (Just Because)

Dear B,

I am only writing to you here because this afternoon you alluded to the fact that you sometimes come here to read and look for clues about what is on my mind and maybe why. Of course I told you that I would never share more of myself with strangers(sorry everybody) than I do with you. That is true, or at least as true as it can possibly be. You're right to look for me here. There might be pieces of me that sneak out in this quiet place that don't show up anywhere else. You may never know how grateful I am that you suggested this blog to me. It is not something I would have come up with on my own, and it has given me a much needed outlet for the words that swim around in my head everyday, for the overflow of feelings that are just to much to foist on one person day after day. Although, you have been an absolute prince, my prince, when it comes to being there for me and comforting me and making me feel so very loved every day. It makes me feel good to be writing again; it had been almost twelve years since I wrote anything for myself let alone anyone else. It is like having a part of myself back again after a decade long hiatus. It feels good, and I have you to thank. I have you to thank for a lot of things. So always remember these things:

1. I will love you every single second of my life--as I have loved you near and far for the last twenty plus years.

2. Every day I love you more...even when my heart is so full that I don't believe it is possible.

3. Like you told me so many months ago, my love---Words fail.

I love you,
A

Spin Cycle: What is Love?

This is my first week participating in The Spin Cycle created by Sprite's Keeper. Every week she gives out a new topic and lets everyone spin their own magic... This week's topic is love. After you read here, drop by her blog and give us your own spin on love.

It's no secret to you guys that read here regularly that I am in love, or that he is in love with me back. This last year, it seems like my life has just been overflowing with love. I seem to have finally figured it out. I think I may be starting to understand what love is, why it's so important, and how to keep it going. Since B and I reunited last June it seems like I haven't stopped falling in love for a minute. Every day I find myself falling all over again, for reasons different and the same as yesterday.

I am not an easy woman to live with by any stretch of the imagination. I make no secret of the fact that I like to get my own way (pretty much always if I can) and that I can be, well.......controlling. There. I said it. I like to run the show. I am calmest when I am in control of every little detail of the way things are supposed to go.  (THIS HAS NOT BEEN HELPFUL TO ME IN PAST RELATIONSHIPS. ) So, because this particular relationship is so very important to me, and because B is so wonderfully smart and capable, (yes, without my help) I know that I have to give up control. I need to let him do his own thing, and start making decisions a team effort. That said, this is not easy for me. And I am not necessarily good at it. yet. I am determined that I will master this though. I want to spend the rest of my life with this absolutely amazing man, and I don't want to screw it up by parenting him like one of the kids.

So back to the topic at hand--"What is Love?" To me, love is the fact that even though I have been controlling in the past, and even though I am not always successful in my attempts to curve that self destructive behavior now, B still loves me with all his heart and with only gentle reminders and a lot of hugs he is helping me to figure this equal partnership thing out. Wish me luck!

Not -Me Monday

Last week I missed out on participating in the Not Me Monday Blog Carnival started by MckMamma. This week I intend to do a little better. It has been another busy, busy week, and there are plenty of things I am really glad I didn't do. mmmm. Not ME!

1. I did not almost cause an accident in the car the other day by talking over the gps voice and screwing up the directions.

2. I did not avoid answering the phone call I knew was from the school nurse involving my son's third (fake) illness this month.

3. I did not buy my sweetie a 500 gb portable hard drive for Valentine's Day because that just might make us both dorks.

4. I did not forget to pay my cable bill until I was unable to log on to post Thursday mornings blog post. (but since it wasn't me they were kind enough to have it back on in about ten minutes after I made the payment by phone.)

5. I did not make my son retrieve, from the top of the newly changed garbage bag, a sandwich he had claimed to have eaten a few minutes before and make him finish it before running out to play.

6. I did not instruct my children at seven o'clock tonight that I didn't want them to speak or even look at each other again tonight because their bickering all day had driven me crazy.

Not me. No WAY. UH-UN.

Dear B, (A letter From The Kids Composed Piecemeal As We Get To Know You Better)

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Dear B,

You have been living with us a little over a month now, and making our mother happy for much longer. It has been interesting for us to watch. For starters, as we just said, she is a lot happier. She still yells, but a lot less than she used to, and she smiles much MORE now too. (She also walks around with a slightly vacant, yet pleasant, love-sick look that is a little gross.) You should know that we watch you. Almost constantly, especially when you don't realize that we are watching. In fact, most of the time that we are watching, we aren't even looking at you, just taking in everything you do. We have paid especially close attention to how you treat our Mom. Us Boys have decided that when we get older, we are going to treat the girls in our lives the same way you treat Mom. (instead of the way Dad used to)It seems to us that we will have way better luck with girls if we do it your way—the way you always smile at her when you catch her looking at you, telling her all the time that she is beautiful and that you love her and don't know what you would do without her. You hug her and kiss her a lot too. (not to mention how much time you guys spend holding hands—gross.) Those are all good things, and every time you do them-- we learn something. (Oh, and it's not just the boys—I've learned that guys should be kind and gentle an complimentary to the women in their lives-- when I grow up, thanks to you, I'm going to expect that.--Love, C) We have also noticed that you never yell at Mom or call her names or try to make her feel dumb or less than good about herself. Those are important lessons too.

You've taught us some other things too. Everyday we watch you go over to your Mom's and your Grandma's to help out. Even though you are busy here with us, you always make time to take good care of the other people in your life who are important to you. When we watch you do that, morning and evening, day after day, we are learning about the importance of commitments, and being reliable. We are seeing someone besides our mother practice the idea that the elderly are not disposable, that family takes care of family and home is the best place for everyone. Thank you for making our home such a great place to be lately. It's nice to have the attention of two adults who so obviously care about what happens to us. We really appreciate the fact that you take time out to talk to each one of us; you listen to what we have to say, and your interest in us goes beyond the fact that you are interested in our mother. You make us feel like you would like us even if she weren't around. That's a nice feeling.

It's been good with you here these last few weeks. We are all kind of hoping that you and Mom will get married. (some of us might even be hoping for a new sibling sometime later....) But either way we will keep on watching, learning from you. You are for sure one of the good guys.

Love,

The Kids

You're Gonna Miss This...Moment

This Week's You're Gonna Miss This Moment, the blog carnival brought to us by Pam over at the blog by the same name...

If you have been reading along, you know that I have given a lot of thought to whether or not I want to have another baby someday. (and I mean a few years out, not necessarily someday soon) I remember being so sad then that my youngest would not get to know and enjoy my Dad the way my first three kids did, and vice versa. My Dad absolutely lived for his grandkids. They were best buddies. So now it is at the front of my mind that if we do decide to add another little one to the family, it will be a child that my father will never get hold. I ALREADY miss those moments. I remember when my daughter was small and we all lived with my parents, (yes, all of us...)my Dad used to rock K to sleep every night on the porch swing when the weather was nice and in his recliner when it wasn't. Then when R was small, a few years later, he and my Dad would eat breakfast sitting side by side in that same recliner every morning. Finally when Z was born, though my Dad was already on oxygen around the clock and sleeping most of the hours of the day, he would nestle Z in the crook of his arm and off the would drift together in dreamland. Z will never remember that, but I will never forget, and with this future baby (maybe), I'm definitely gonna miss those moments.